![]() What’s that, you meditate for 20 minutes every morning when you get up? Congrats, and go fuck yourself.įor me, the time I wake up and the time I fall asleep has never been a choice. But I have never done any of these things, because it is physically impossible for me to wake up at before 9 a.m., no matter how many of Arianna Huffington’s sleep hygiene tips I follow or how many passive-aggressive posts I read detailing the morning rituals of CEOs. I would love to pop awake at the crack of dawn, catch up on my long queue of educational podcasts, perform 20 minutes of calisthenics followed by an eight-step Korean skin-care ritual, respond to all my emails, have a long phone conversation with my friend who lives in Russia, walk my dog (that I would hypothetically own because I would now have time to take it for walks), all before I got my first “Good morning!” Slack. * Takes long puff of joint.*Īnd yet I would throw away my night-owl street cred in a heartbeat if I could wake up at 5:30 in the morning. Getting up early makes you better at life, but staying up late has always been, and always will be, more badass. Nighttime is the weird time - a time for dark thought spirals and convoluted internet holes and hangouts in smoke-filled bars that go on way longer than they should. Early rising is a time for productivity - it conjures the chirping of birds and the smell of freshly baked banana bread and the satisfying whoosh of a sent email. Sure, all the fun stuff happens at night - I’d much rather watch Colbert than Good Morning America, and I’d take another glass of wine over squeezing in a morning workout class any day. Look, it’s not that I want to be a night owl. On behalf of the Cut’s motley collection of night owls, late-risers, and people who generally feel like they’ve been hit by a cement truck if someone tries to shake them awake before 9 a.m., I’m afraid I must dissent. You want me to go to bed before dinnertime and then wake up in the middle of the night? You guys are capable of doing that? I feel like I’ve just learned that everyone around me has been gifted some set of secret magical powers that enable them to cheat at life, like all my colleagues are X-Men whose superpowers are being able to fall asleep and wake up whenever they want to. ![]() Night Owl Cane is part of the Libationer Guo Set.Recently, much to my horror, my colleague Edith Zimmerman published an article called “ An Argument for Waking Up Super-Early,” in which she describes the benefits of getting up at “5 or even 4 a.m.” To further rub salt in the wound, my colleague Katie Heaney wrote a follow-up piece called “ The Best Time to Go to Bed Is 8:45.” Night Owl Cane Set Bonus in Wo Long: Fallen Dynasty
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